ashes

pa remarked just yesterday that it was strange that “one moment we’re in penang and one moment we’re in KL”. he sits outside on the balcony a lot, alone and quiet – a stark contrast to his constantly chatty self. i asked him if he thinks he’ll make friends here. he said no, and quickly followed up with “there’s no community here. also why want to make friends lah, kepoh only”. i briefly wondered about how life is like in my 60s. constantly tired and beaten down and weary. i didn’t want to see pa like that. but i didn’t know what else to do. so i grabbed a chair and sat with him for a while. quiet moments quickly became filled with cigarette smoke, and throughout the years i’d had associated that smell with worry. pa was thinking about something, but he wasn’t letting me know about it.

sigh.

i remind myself that i am lucky and blessed that my parents are willing to uproot and relocate to kl for me. but i can’t shake the thought that they might be miserable here. i just, want them to be happy. but i don’t know if this is right for that.

now it’s midnight and i am sitting in my dark room alone. time and time again, i find it odd that i adapt so quickly for someone so sentimental. but at least, i am with family. i am within love’s reach.

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